Saturday, July 30, 2005

With Nothing To Live For...

We never said anything, she just sat next to me silent searching for the unknown. She’d push her head on my shoulder harshly, shaking me from my daydream, and she’d say “What did you write? Read it for me.” She never liked reading on her own, and she’d stop me in the middle of my reading to mumble something like “Good meter” or “Been reading Walt Whitman lately?”
I would just nod, and carry on, knowing if I didn’t she’d say “Why did you stop?” And when I was done, she’d ask me to read it again, and I’d refuse saying she can read it on her own.
“You’re afraid of your voice.” She’d smile solemnly, her ear burning on my shoulder. “I think you’re gonna be famous in no time Amino.” And I’d laugh telling her she’s talking like some kind of seer in my stories. The empty field cold and silent, then she’d break the cycle. “Do you ever think of death?”

Death. I never paid attention to those small hints she sprinkled here and there, like some chef tinkering dubiously with a meal. Mixing unknown ingredients, they might turn out good or bad, or even worse maybe you’ll have guests coming over out of the blue and they’ll see the mess.
“Sometimes.” I’d tell her. “I always feel like my time on earth is short.” She’d back off like I’ve committed some felony, and scrutinize my features thoroughly.

“Don’t be silly.” She’d mumble again resting on my shoulder, and I’d feel her disturbed heartbeats, like we’ve touched the forbidden topic. But I never paid attention, it’s those small things you always omit in the moment, but remember too late.
“I wanna become a dancer.” She said laughing. “And you’d be the famous writer who’d visit the shows of the very glamorous dancer.”
“I hate ballet.” I’d remind her. “You can get into Med School without breaking a sweat.”
“I hate doctors.” She’d answer back mimicking my previous tone. “They try to postpone the inevitable.”

“Radical.” I’d mutter under my breath.

“Utopian.” She’d punch me in the arm giggling. “They should have drowned you with Atlantis.”
“How do you know Atlantis was the Utopia?” I gave her a skeptic look.
“A feeling.” Her mood would shift in a jiffy, she’d bite her nails without shame, and gaze at the sky. “Will you write a novel about our life?”
“What? The Radical and Utopian best friends?” I’d smile devilishly. “No respectable publisher would accept my manuscript.”

“Or perhaps about me, the first of course… and in bold lines the dedication would be for me.”
“The second.” I’d bargain brashly. “Two is my lucky number, and the first is reserved for Miss Jackie.”
“Fine.” She’d accept as though my book is coming out next month. “You’ll read it to me though.”

“How come?” I said confused. “A whole book?”
“How do you know I’ll have the time to read it?” She asked.
“Well, you’re not going anywhere… so you’ll have time. You’re not gonna die are you?”
“Don’t be silly.” She mumbled again avoiding my gaze. “Just make sure it’s a happy ending.”

“Sure, happiness is overestimated though!!”

“My story will have a happy ending, because that’s what I want.” She smiled ominously. “Read for me now.”

And I read…The more you live inside of my head, the more I think you were just character that I didn’t finish writing his story, or a figment of my imagination.

As I wrote the very first word in my new novel, I remembered this, and I smiled. The working title “With Nothing To Live For.”

“Good Title” You would have said if we were sitting in that field, if you were here now. But I smile, I remember, and I salute you wherever you are for awakening the value of life inside of me.

“Utopian” The voice whispers in my head… and I say now… “Radical.”

27 Comments:

Blogger madas said...

was that your friend who killed herself?

12:50 PM  
Anonymous Ammar Ibrahim said...

Darn, you're such a good writer!

12:37 AM  
Blogger Amino said...

Madas - Yes it is.

Ammar- Umm am blushing, thanks buddy...

12:57 AM  
Blogger Basbooos said...

i'm really sorry about your friend. its a very touching piece.i think u should find a publisher.

6:41 AM  
Blogger Roba said...

Amino, that's beautiful. It really is. Great going girl...

1:42 PM  
Blogger M!R@CHK@ said...

Oh sorry to hear that :( but i would really love to read your story coz ur a talented writer :)

9:02 AM  
Blogger Lina said...

I don't know what I would do if such a thing happened to a friend of mine!

Bs 3n jad I'm going to re-emphasize what everyone said: you've got great talent girl :)

11:02 AM  
Blogger nasimjo© said...

Out of words!!
Really Out of Words!


Dear Amino, (sorry I dunno your real name)

((the words down here were published as a comment by me in the post before this one))
---
I know this email/comment might be a bit late, but this is due to my busi-ness & laziness in reading Jordan Planet with all this work on my head!
(it's just that i read it when i get tiered of every1 & everything in this life, so usually each & every 4-5 days I download all the Jordan Planet pages that i missed & Feed from my fav blogs,,, & Start READING!) soo ,, you've got to excuse me for having a late reply!

I've carefully read your "Coming Out" post , a coupla times even..

sorry all what happened to you but this was 100% expected as you went to UJ!
every1 here in Jordan have this madness about UJ whilst it's just a fake name, with a fake community & bad quality of academic service.
& yes I am generalizing in here, there's no single major in UJ that is ranking 1st in Jordan. from Medicine to IT to even Religious studies (maybe they're good in those Italian English majors or so!! in addition to the fine arts,,, mainly the unique Majors!)

anyway, I'm suggesting my Hashemite University to you (I can just see your facial expression now!) , but , a word to be said, the English Literature department here is a very good and active one (or that's at least how i see it from my "outsider" point of view),,,, a cool thing that exists in here is also that they have a major called (Cultural Studies) that is part of the English Literature dep, being just 3 years old, & having very dumb school students that dont know or dont even care what the heck is this, this major is still not popular & thru out the past 3 years tawjihi students down to the grades of 76-79 where accepted in it.

Now you even had a bad start, cause you can do nothing by going to the admission department at the UJ, the right way goes by the same procedure your tawjihi graduated sister goes thru, Getting the Application form of what is called ((Hai2at al Qbool el Mua7ad)) from the post office & putting your choice, differing in your case that u'll shadow your kind of diploma instead of selecting the “Jordanian Sec Diploma (Tawjihi)” option. & putting your list of preference of 30 subjects.

Now in case your adding HU to the list, it's logically better to right the “English Literature” before “Cultural Studies” in the list of preferences, since you'll be more likely able to get down with the hierarchy than going up in case you wanna shift between majors, but I personally think that the “Cultural Studies” major is the one “Just Made For You”.
i'll be giving you a hand to reach your objective, as for your expected “Why?” question (mentioning your excessiveness in using it in one of your days posts ;) ... not because i know you or you are a friend; cause I dont know you even, not because you are part of Jordan Planet even, but because I'm a Man that fights in a long endless war with the community as well as with my self to achieve evolution & knowledge for the community & take my self always to the next step positioned in the next aimed level in what i call (My Life Queue “or Buffer!”)... Thus, I appreciate each and every person that's fighting for the same objective from his/her part of the “view” in his/her own format.

I liked the ambition in you, but remember that ambitions need a little bit or respect! That is positivity :)
wish you all the luck, ill be telling the profs at the English dep at my uni about you since many of them turned being my friends just from the English Uni-compulsory courses i took with them, ill be telling you if any updates occur. But you go that way i told you already....

& hey not forgetting to mention, HU always declares extra seats after the distribution of seats thru (Hai2at al Qbool el Mua7ad) come out.
See!! so many chances, with appreciation of creativity,,, hell with UJ ;)
hehe, wish you all the luck & hope this comment wont be that late! (I hope I could email u but i dont hv ur email!)

2:28 AM  
Blogger Amino said...

Okay everyone am seriously rasi 3am bekbar (7ada yjeeb dabos abel ma yseer it's too late) Kiddin...

Nasim - Thanks for your advice, if only i read that comment earlier... cause i signed up for the Mowazi like in the very same day u wrote that.

Btw - how come the Da Vinci Code was banned? I mean i bought the english version a long time ago from umm u know Sharbian the bookshop in Jabal Amman.

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