Tuesday, July 19, 2005

This is me...

In this very moment when am feeling lonely and forgotten, a notch of Coldplay's "Speed of Light" buzzing in my ears, I look around and see the lines. Everything in lines, the way it is most of the time but we don't notice it. Loneliness is not a state of being alone, it's feeling alone even when you are around people. As though you reaching for something you don't have, or you've been searching for something all your life. And through it all, I pace to and fro in my bedroom, unable to touch my guitar or call up one of my friends. We're not in the same world anymore, for some reason i do not understand. Is it me? Is it them? Why must i feel this way when all around me is perfect in its own sense of perfection. Why must i lie on my pillow every night and think "There must be more to life than this." It seems like the world around me racing, and am here struck by some invisible power of paralysis. If this is just a stage in my life, a transition, how come others my age aren't in this stage?

I told my very dear friend two days ago, "I feel like am lost in time, as if my purpose in life seems lost at some moment in the day. I feel like some writer is sitting in front of his screen scrambling with my life, trying to figure out which is the best way to edit the manuscript for a better price. "

And she smiled at me and said, "How come you can't be like us? I mean talk, like a normal teenager our age. You know.. boys, shopping, or you know gossip."

And i answered. "Look, i feel like am loosing you. My friends..."

And she said. "You're not, you just never adapted to your world. Stop looking at the world like it's one of your characters, stop talking to us about philosophy, stop looking out of the box. Live with us, live your age."

And i paused, i couldn't believe that someone i cherish so much just told me this. Maybe, that's what made me so sad and lonely right now. Her words may not be right, but they made me ponder... who is wrong and who is right? See even now, am writing the story of my life like it was a stranger's. Do people see their lives my way... do they see their lives in terms of metaphors and alliteration. Do they really walk around after a tiresome day a voice whispering in their head, "like a tree burdened with fruit, the fruit will go away, and in the end the tree will miss its burden. Burden and happiness are essential for each other."

Does this make me crazy? Does this make me an alien in my race? This is me.. no one is right or wrong...this is just me.


Blogger madas said...

Amino, it could have been me many years ago writing this post... we all want to be like everyone else, but each one of us is different, this is the most amazing thing about us human beings... You are different, you are smart, you are witty... celebrate your difference, enjoy your difference... you dont need to be like everyone else, you dont need to be understood... you need to be you, and that is the best gift for the rest of us....

2:04 PM  
Blogger madas said...

Ahh something else, I have been struggeling with being alone for a very long time, and finally i discovered math! I dont know where i read this, or who said it... but apparently some hot shot snob mathmatecian!!! the point is, it is ok to be ablone, in the last couple of years i learnt how to enjoy solitude... and now it is something that i not only enjoy.... but i really appreciate too... and believe me I am very social :)

2:07 PM  

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